I dunno, it must just be me.  Maybe I use the internet so little that I don’t really understand the wonders of it.  But I’ve never been once of these people who sits on YouTube for hours watching all these new famous videos.  Or sitting on Facebook for hours at a time.  Or browsing comics.  Or playing games.  Or…well, I don’t really know what else there is to do, which kinda proves my point.  If I’m bored at work I might browse some clothes websites or look at gig websites to see if there’s anything coming up.  But yeah.

I’m not too sure what I’m trying to say.  It just amazes me, I guess, how such a vast and sensational invention does so little for me…

That’s really kinda sad isn’t it?  Oh well.

Peace. xxx

First impressions?  The size.  The scale of this festival is just ridiculous.  It’s bigger than anything I’ve ever seen before. It was like a city in itself.  My honest opinion is that maybe it was too big.  It was so hard to see everything and you really really wanted to because there’s just so much stuff going on around you 24 hours a day.  But it was definitely a good experience and I think I probably would go back again, but I’d maybe do a few things differently.

Best part of the weekend?  Hard to say…I saw some amazing bands and performers, obviously, but sometimes the best parts are just being in a bar with your friends.  Exploring.  On the Wednesday night we went to the Stone Circle and that was mind blowing.  It was about midnight when we were there.  There were hundreds of people sitting around fires with their friends, people playing guitars and drums, loads of Chinese Laterns being set alight and let lose into the night sky.  Beautiful.  Also, sometimes just sitting in the campsite and chatting to the early hours is fun.  We were lucky enough to have really lovely tent neighbours.  They become your best friends for 5 days and then you never see or hear from them again.

Worst part?  Not the festivals fault, but the rain, which then lead to all the mud.  It took forever to get anywhere because you’re just trudging through like a foot of sticky mud trying your hardest not to lsoe your wellie boots, which I did once and fell on my arse.  It was funny though.  A girl came to help me and pull my boot out of the mud, ended up falling herself and getting more muddy than me.  Felt bad, but what can you do?  It also meant though, that because it was so hard to get arond, that you end up missing some of the bands that you may have wanted to see or visiting some of the placese you wanted to go.

Quote of the weekend?  “Do it sideways and you won’t dribble.”

Best band?  Obviously in my opinion, I’m going to say Jimmy Eat World.  A band I’ve loved for years who never fail to put on a great performance.  Especially when the last song is one of my top 5 favourite songs of all time (Sweetness) and there are hundreds of people singing along with you.  Dan Mangan  was also pretty awesome.  We managed to meet him and have a quick chat and get a photo and signed albums.  But Chase and Status put on a totally amazing performance.  They weren’t even playing the main stage and they pulled a crown of thousands of people.  They were all the way to the back and edges of the field and everyone, everywhere, even right at the back, was dancing and just going crazy.

I don’t really know what else to say.  I’m still a little bit out of it right now to be honest and finding it a struggle to form a full sentence.  But I will come back in the next couple of days and post some photos and stuff.

Peace.

xxx

I’m in a funny place recently.  I’m very antsy and getting easily aggitated.  Honestly?  I’m bored.  I’m bored of my job, I’m boring of feeling unappreciated, I’m bored of waking up every day and doing and seeing the same things.  I’m bored of the repetativeness of my life, currently.  I keep trying to think of things to do to mix it up a bit.  Book a gig here, a random day out there…you know, the usual.  (That’s the problem by the way…the usual.)

Yesterday at about 12:15pm, my house was empty and I went and sat in my garden on the sofa, under the big umbrella, with a cup of coffee and a cigarette.  It was immensley hot and sunny.  But what amazed me was the silence.  The whole time I was out there I heard nothing but the breeze in the trees and the birds singing.  If I closed my eyes and imagined, I could trick myself into believing that when I opened my eyes I wouldn’t see my garden, but a gorgeous, empty, idyllic beach.  That’s when I realised exactly what it is I need.  I need to get away from here.  Sounds obvious, I know.  But sometimes all you need is a long hot bath and a glass of wine and suddenly things don’t seem so bad anymore.  But no.  I need a total change.  I just need a couple of weeks on some exotic island.  No phones.  No computers or internet.  No cars.  No people, preferably, but I would need somewhere to stay and somewhere to get food and drinks and someone to help me out/show me stuff; I guess I’ll allow people.  But somewhere with sun, sea, sand.  Proper paradise island, you know?

Or, alternatively, just a field in the beautiful countryside that you can find in this country, full of flowers and a stream, where I could just lay and think and read and breathe.

I sometimes wonder why I find it so hard to be happy with what I have.

On the plus side, Toyah will be here on July 2nd.  I haven’t seen her since December 2008.  I will eventually get round to being the one that visits her.  First thing next year is my plan (earlier would be preferable, but money and work is an issue there).  A couple of weeks in Australia.  That would sort me out.

Peace out.

Would you pick your clothes up, put your clothes on,
Pack your things and go?
I’m tired of sinking this low.
Awkward semi-naked coffee conversations fade
Quicker than mistakes that were made.
Mornings when I’m coming down, being driven round the bend,
Make for days when I’m losing my friends
For all the little things that I have done and cannot make amends.

Don’t you ever kind of wish that the world would just stop?
That the band would pack up and the curtain would drop?
I’ve been stuck inside the same old nights, the same old days off,
And I need you now because I can’t get out of this.

Clean your mirrors, roll your notes out,
Put your cards away.
That’s a game that I don’t want to play anymore.
My head is sore, my throat is raw, and what’s more
I’m fifty pounds down to feel empty and poor,
Remembering the things that I believed when I was sober and sure.

And I’m trying to speak straight,
But I’m drunk and I’m lonely and you won’t believe me,
And I’m trying to see straight,
But I’ve been up for days and it scares you away,
And I’m trying to keep straight,
But I’d trade it all for just five minutes more
Of your wandering hands with their simple demands that are
All the things I ever wanted, better than the powder and pills,
All the things I ever needed, the only thing that doesn’t seem to kill,
That still makes me smile.

So if I tell you all the little things that I think that I need,
Will you tell me how to tell the world from the woods from the trees?
Because I’ve been stuck inside my comforting familiar disease,
And I need you now because I can’t get out,
And all over Europe the lights are going out,
And I’m pulling down the curtain, but every time I reach out
You’re gone.

2. What are you listening to -
minority report on tv

3. Maybe I should -
tidy my room

4. I love –
sleeping

5. I don’t understand -
a lot of my job

6. I have lost my respect for -
no one, recently

7. I last ate -
a couple of hours ago

IS YOUR/ARE YOU:
1. Is your hair wet?
yep

2. Is your cell phone right by you?
my mobile is, yes

3. Do you miss someone?
yes

4. Are you wearing chap stick?
always

5. Are you tired?
i’m getting there…will be bed with a book and cuppa tea time soon

6. Are you wearing pajamas?
my version – mens jogging bottoms and a band top (new found glory is tonights choice of band)

7. Are you mad?
some people might think so

8. Are you upset?
nope

HAVE YOU
1. Recently done anything you regret?
probably

2. Ever lied?
who hasnt

3. Ever kicked someone?
of course

4. Ever tripped over your own feet?
multiple times a day

TODAY HAVE YOU.
1. Have you cursed?
multiple times

2. Have you gotten mad at someone?
nah not really…people at work piss me off but thats it

3. Gotten laid?
nope

Ever wonder if you’re someone’s everything?
sometimes…

Last song played more than three times?
uhm…probably ‘falling slowly’

Does someone love you?
honestly, i believe they do :)

Last time you were really happy?
dunno…most of the time

Marriage?
someday, hopefully

Did you take a nap today?
naps are dangerous. coffee is the answer

Who got mad at you last?
hah. a couple of irrating people in my local

Last car you were in?
oh god…uhm…kathryn’s, probably

Last person to call you pretty?
haha um…i got told i had nice eyes by a charming old man yesterday?

What color is your room?
ones white, ones purple

Where’s your parents right now?
mums in the hartley. dont know about dad. gravesend i imagine

Could you use some sleep right now?
not necessarily

Who would you have lunch with?
a friend…?

Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
yep

Have you ever made out against a car?
probably

Are you ticklish?
nope

Is the last person you kissed older than you?
yep

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
i dunno, maybe?

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
i get them a lot when i think about certain things…so today, probably

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
maybe…i guess so…hair grows back and i could buy a wig…

What’s on your bedroom floor?
big teddies…slippers…cd rack…desk…bed…guitar…amp…shelves…most of my wardrobe

When’s the next time you will kiss somebody?
tomorrow i hope

Does your ex have a job?
indeed they do

How many piercings do you have?
7

Ever kissed in the rain?
i guess, maybe

Are you a jealous person? 
i can be

Any plans for tomorrow?
work, take-away and night in with a girly friend..hopefully see the boy

Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
if its raining

If your girl best friend liked one of your exs, what would you do?
depends who it was. but on my track record…probably warn them off

Have you held hands with anybody today?
nope

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
say ‘no chance, youre like my brother and dating my best friend’

Do you want any tattoos?
i have 2. but i want more. got the 3rd planned and hopefully getting it in a couple of weeks

When is the last time you were in a photo-booth taking pictures with friend?
in like 2008 before me and friend went to Give It A Name festival, in tescos by Earl court in london. specific or what?

When’s your birthday?
december 4th

What’s the last thing you laughed at?
people on the radio. it always seems funnier when im sitting on the bus listening with my headphones on trying to be quiet

Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to?
theres a few

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
the boy

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
‘just 5 more minutes…’

What color are your eyes?
brown

Who do you hate currently?
the stepfather, of course

Do you get the recommended eight hours of sleep a night?
sometimes…hardly ever though

What side of a heart do you draw first?
the right

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
yeah i do actually

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
too long

When’s the last time you fell asleep watching a movie?
Friday

What’s running through your mind right now?
that this quiz is fucking long and im wishing i hadnt bothered because no ones going to read it and im damn bored, but i feel i have to finish it now

Have you fixed friendships with anyone lately?
yeah i guess so

Do you currently have a hickey?
unfortunately not…i like a good old fasioned love bite

What is your current mood?
bored. tired.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
we’ve had this question

Do you mind sleeping on the floor?
as long as ive got a pillow and a duvet and its prferably not a wooden floor

Who did you talk to before you fell asleep?
last night? uhm i was texting aggy

Is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life?
a few

Do you drink soda?
yes

Has anyone ever sang to you?
yeah :)

What was the last reason that you cried?
watching someone i love cry

Are you wearing any jewelry?
a necklace and 3 piercings

What are you afraid of running out of?
time

What kind of music do you like?
bit of this, bit of that

What is the worst thing you have ever done?
meh…ive never done anything that no one else has

Does anyone think you are a bitch?
hah im sure theres a good few

Are you a good speller?
not really

Do you flirt with people while in a relationship?
not on purpose…ive been told my general mannerisms are quite flirtatious though because im ‘too nice’. lose lose situation

Are you afraid of losing the person you like right now?
mmmm

Have you ever met a gay person?
just a few hundred

Do you have a favorite soft drink?
diet coke

Do you watch college sports?
nope

Who was your last phone call that was over an hour with?
i havent had a proper phone conversation for a long time…but it was probably either natalie or laura

What color are your boxers or pants?
white

What movie never fails to make you cry?
godzilla…edward scissorhands…requiem for a dream…

What is bothering you right now?
that fact that to make my laptop plug reach the wall im having to sit on the edge of the chair and my right butt cheek is going numb

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?
yeah

Are you satisfied with how things are going?
for now

Have you ever felt replaced?
who hasnt

Do you laugh a lot?
i guess

Do you eat cookie dough?
i have once

Can you play pool?
i try

Do you have anything you wish you could tell someone but can’t?
nope

Have you ever had a panic attack?
dont think so

Who do you make fun of the most?
whoever deserves it :)

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
more than i should

Do you like to smile?
its the best

Does the thought of being replaced hurt?
of course

The person who you can’t stand the most is?
in my house

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
no

Do you and your best friend(s) have any traditions?
kinda

Are you a forgiving person?
again, had this question…

Do you miss your childhood?
i miss the simplicity

What’s one thing you want in life right now?
for everything to fall in place

Well that was long.  Enjoy, people :-) Promise these will get more interesting.

Peace out.

When someone you care about more than anything in the world is hurting, you just feel useless.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can do or say that is going to make their situation better.  If you have been in a similar situation, you may try the whole ‘I know how you feel’ route, but you will just end up feeling selfish and even more uselss.

If I could snap my fingers and make everything better, then trust me, my fingers would not have a surface anymore.

When that person that you want by your side for the rest of your life is sad, there is nothing you wouldn’t do just to see them smile.

It pains me just to see your face.

I’ve never been a big one for birthdays.  I usually forget about them until people start saying “it’s your birthday soon!” or “What do you want for your birthday?” etc etc.  I never really celebrate.  Maybe just go for dinner with family or something.  But this year I’m having a proper party.  And I can’t remember having one since I was a kid.  Honestly?  I’m scared.  About the party and about turning 21.  The party mainly because I’m not good with attention, note why I avoid my birthday like the plague and get embarrassed when people fuss over me.  I like to blend into the background.  And about turning 21 because it’s sort of, in my eyes, the final step of becoming an adult.  Being 20 I can still kind of fool myself I’m a kid.  But after this birthday, the next big one is 30.  I’ve always been scared – and excited, I guess – about growing up.  Being independent.  All the other crap that comes with age.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m still young and (relatively) healthy and (hopefully) have many more years left in front of me.  I don’t even know how to put into words what I’m feeling right now.  I’m confused about…everything.  Where my life is going, will go, won’t go.  What I want right now and can see happening in the future.  People around me – close friends who are like family to me, are my age – are getting engaged, moving out of home, all that stuff.

(A song just started playing that really, really takes me back to being 15/16.  Perfect timing or what?)

I really don’t know what I’m trying to say.  Maybe blogging was a bad idea because I’m now thinking about things way more than I was before.  But I think, for now, I can say I’m happy with my life.  I’m in love with a wonderful man, I have the best friends a girl could wish for and I have my family around me.  I have a decent job that’s, granted, not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I enjoy the work for now, I get along with my colleagues and I have money in the bank.

I guess maybe what I’m worrying about is change.  I’m not the best at dealing with change.  But many things have changed in my life over the past few years and I’m still here.  I’m still happy.  I’m still living.  Even though I may still be dealing with certain changes.  Certain things that happen in life hurt and never go away.  But the majority of changes are, I’ve found, not all bad.  Something good usually comes out of it.

I’m really rambling now.  I’ve got myself a bit worked up.  I’m reminiscing.  Blah.

Part of me feels like it should be my 30th tomorrow and not my 21st.  Not because I’ve done all the things I want to do before I’m 30 or anything like that, but sometimes the way I think and things I do and believe, I feel older than my years.  I do, however, feel like I haven’t done everything I wanted to do before I hit this age.  I feel like I’ve let myself down a bit.  All these hopes and dreams I had at 15 that I honestly had every intention of fulfilling, I haven’t.  I hope I get a chance in the future.  All I’ve got to worry about now is whether or not doing these things will make me lose everything I have now…

This has gone somewhere pretty weird and I’m not sure I like it.  So I’m going to end this here, put my wellies on and trudge through the masses of snow to one of my best friends houses, watch crappy movies and drink beer.

Roll on life.  I’m ready for you.

It’s amazing how, after losing someone in real life, I seem to have now lost them in dream land as well. It’s put me in the weirdest mood since. I really do feel alone sometimes. It’s incredible how not having someone on the end of a phone, at least, can leave you so lost.

Anyway, other than that, I’m a little worried about my coffee dependence. My friend and I used to joke about me being a caffeine addict. But the other day I had the most painful migraine and woke up with it still the next morning. Painkillers did nothing. Then I radomly remembered that about a year ago, when I had decided to go a day without coffee/caffeine, I got a horrible headache and took myself to bed early. And every now and again if I haven’t had a cup of coffee or tea or coke or redbull for a few hours, I do get a slight headache. Anyway, so, I had this killer, 36 hour long migraine. I made myself a cup of coffee and I was half was through it when my headache literally just vanished. That’s really not good, is it?

Coffee, Coffee, you’re my heroine,
You open my eyes better than anyone,
When I’ve done all the things that I want to do,
Make sure I’m buried next to somebody I’d like to talk to.